I just want to thank all of you ...............

Thank you all for your
educational emails over the past few years. 

 Thanks to you,
I no longer open a public
bathroom door without using a paper towel.
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I can't use the remote in a hotel room
because I don't know what the last person
was doing while flipping through the channels.
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I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
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I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my
seafood anymore because lemon peels have
been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs
including feces.
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I have trouble shaking hands with someone who
has been driving because the number one
pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.
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Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons
of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
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I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
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I must send my special thanks to whoever sent
me the one about poop in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs
sealing.
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Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can
I open for the same reason.
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I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die
in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
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I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program .
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I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and
St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
wish.
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I no longer eat KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no
eyes or feathers.
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I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a
hot day.
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Thanks to all of you,

I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward an e-mail to
seven of my friends and make a wish within
five minutes.
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Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
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I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial
killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.
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I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists
who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
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I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.
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And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a
cup of water in the microwave anymore
because it will blow up in my face...
disfiguring me for life.
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I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS.
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I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
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I no longer receive packages from UPS or
FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
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I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American
troops or the Salvation Army.
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I no longer answer the phone because
someone will ask me to dial a number for
or which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and
Uzbekistan.
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I no longer buy expensive cookies from
Neiman-Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
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Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet
but mine because a big brown African
spider is lurking under the seat to cause
me instant death when it bites my butt.
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And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot
because it probably was placed there by a
rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
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Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people
with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mails while playing with their mouse.

"Just Sayin"
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